Oh no, I can't swim either!

Worth the Entire Read...

2006-04-10T08:53:56Z

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure
more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck
Norris."

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he
roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that
Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the
good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to *beep*

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that
sometimes corn needs to lie the *beep* down!

There is no theory of evolution; just a list of creatures Chuck Norris
allows to live.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection.
There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the third
girl he had slept with.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a
Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a
green #4 card from the game UNO.

Chuck Norris is indestructible. He is so indestructible that not even
Chuck Norris can break Chuck Norris.

On the seventh day God rested, because Chuck Norris had him in a sleeper hold.

Chuck Norris once laughed so hard after seeing a midget fall down a
flight of stairs, that he ripped a hole in the space-time continuum,
thus creating the phenomena of deja vu.

Chuck Norris wins the Ironman contest every year, without even
entering. Everyone else is just competing for second place.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs
of life there.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The
water gets Chuck instead.

no_conscience @ 2006-02-14T23:52:00

2006-02-15T07:52:53Z

Let me tell you, the emergency room is not a great place to spend Valentine's day. Or the day before Valentine's day. Or the day after. Or every day for the next week.

Fuck me.

i know...

2006-01-28T21:21:49Z

this is a repost from a fuckin myspace blog, but still, it's pretty intense so it's worth copying and pasting...

last night i picked up an etch-a-sketch and started fucking with it. btw, i was never an etch a sketch kid, and while i was playing with it for like 5 minutes, I couldnt for the life of me draw what i wanted to draw. not even like, a circle. then all of a sudden i started doing it really fast and not really paying attention, just letting my fingers go and looking around, talking, not really mindful of what was happening on the screen...has anyone ever done this type of thing? like with writing or something, where you just subconsciously let things out?

anyways, so im etch-a-sketching really fast by this point and my hands just keep moving in these strange patterns, then all of a sudden i make a quicker, more deliberate motion than any of the motions preceding it and then i stop.

i look at what i just did. what i saw scared the fuck out of me for a second, then i just got a little curious. it was the state of Maine. exactly. i created a replica of the state of Maine with one motion of my hands. like, move your fingers really fast, maybe a second at the longest, that's what I did.

then i look at where it is on the etch-a-sketch.

top right.

i look down...new york, north carolina...florida, the whole coastline. so i start doing it really fast again and paying attention this time, i do the great lakes and go over and do washington and california and the peninsula and shit but its not near as good as the east coast.

anyways, the point is, is that i wasnt even paying attention and i was sketching as fast as i can. has anybody ever seen i robot? where he draws that really good picture in 10 seconds? yeah, i think we can do that shit.

no_conscience @ 2006-01-15T03:31:00

2006-01-15T11:42:27Z

It's not that I'm not satisfied with my life. And it's not really that I'm not having a good time- I definitely am. I'm close with my friends and family and shit's coming together I guess, plus I have my whole life ahead of me. But I can't help but want more. I don't mean more friends or more parties, it's almost like that's what is getting at me. It's like, does anyone else ever feel like their lives are just passing them by? And that you are either too busy, too fucked up or too apathetic to even chase after it? Maybe it's just me, but I've been getting a lot of that lately. I feel like I have so much to do and I'm just fucking sitting here. Doing the same god damn thing every night. This is college, and I'm supposed to be having the time of my life, but I keep looking around and wondering what is so special about all this. Maybe it's just the mood I'm in though, I'm sure you could catch me on another night and I'll be wishing that my youth never ends. But then I come home from it all, come back to myself alone and I almost feel like I want a fucking family or something, and a career and shit, and of course I want more money. But I can see myself chasing all of that, achieving it, and finding myself in the same situation. Maybe I'll never be satisfied.

Or maybe I should just stop fuckin bitching. But I always say that. Plus, I believe that without bitching, shit would never get done. My room wouldn't be clean, I could tell you that much. I don't know, I'm getting lost here and I'm really tired. But yeah, back to the point. Is anyone with me here? I mean come on guys, let's do some big things.

--EDIT--
Last night was amazing. Half the night was worrying as fuck, one part was pretty much terrifying (fuck the police), another part was indescribable, and the rest was an awesome drunken blur. Like I said, it's all about the mood you are in, I guess the lifestyle I have just amplifies shit.

no_conscience @ 2006-01-03T11:43:00

2006-01-03T19:45:41Z

If new years eve and new years day are previews of the following year, then I will surely be dying or in prison before I'm 20.

no_conscience @ 2005-11-06T22:10:00

2005-11-07T06:11:30Z

Man, I just don't even know anymore. It seems like more than ever before I really have stopped giving a fuck. About anything.

no_conscience @ 2005-10-07T00:57:00

2005-10-07T08:01:33Z

So midterms start this Monday for me, and I haven't been studying or doing much homework. I figured that college would be just like high school and middle school and elementary school- really fun and really easy. So far it has been more fun and more easy than I imagined, but we'll see how that goes after I get my grades back. Sigma who?

no_conscience @ 2005-08-08T13:51:00

2005-08-08T20:55:01Z

Sched# Course Title
06543 CHIN101 Elementary Chinese I DAILY 1200 - 1250 AH-3117
07873 COMM103 Oral Communication F 1300 - 1350 ENS-280
27381 POL S101 Intro Am Pol Global Persp MW 1400 - 1450 ENS-280
52323 RWS100 Rhetoric Written Argument MWF 1100 - 1150 AH-3157
Total Units: 14

no_conscience @ 2005-07-20T01:58:00

2005-07-20T08:59:02Z

Bad vibes are the worst. But sometimes. They are the best.

no_conscience @ 2005-06-05T16:50:00

2005-06-05T23:52:53Z

Prom was clearly the best dance I ever went to where I didn't actually attend the dance, as well as the first. But either way it was a night of laughs, screams, giggles, tears, car crashes, palm fronds, fettucine and drugs. And I couldn't possibly have gone with a better date, unless I took myself.

no_conscience @ 2005-06-02T00:45:00

2005-06-02T08:08:55Z

Life is so ironic sometimes.

I've never been one of those people who talk about how much they hate high school and want to get out. Except for lately, I can't stand the fucking place. And just when I think I can't get a break from anything.

Boom.

But at the same time, I still got buttfucked.

no_conscience @ 2005-05-07T19:29:00

2005-05-08T02:30:17Z

Last night was...

no_conscience @ 2005-05-01T23:46:00

2005-05-02T06:47:44Z

Even though I'm the last person to say it, the Weezer album is awesome. Maybe even Godlike.

p.s. I just blew a heart

no_conscience @ 2005-04-28T23:47:00

2005-04-29T06:47:13Z

I feel like an update tonight.

no_conscience @ 2005-04-17T02:06:00

2005-04-17T09:11:20Z

One reason why my car:

a)sucks: The alarm is so sensitive and goes off so often that a bird near by house learned the car along song and he sings it 24 hours a day. And if I shut my window my room gets too hot for human life to exist so I'm basically fucked.

b)sucks: Now the bird is mimicking other noises.

c)Now he's doing songs and stuff, and crickets chirping.

Is this bird in my head? What the fuck is happening right now?

no_conscience @ 2005-04-07T17:44:00

2005-04-08T00:47:01Z

no_conscience @ 2005-04-06T17:44:00

2005-04-07T00:47:50Z

It's official. I have a prom date.

It's also official. I have a job. Well, pending a drug test. Tomorrow. At 2. I'll figure that one out later.

no_conscience @ 2005-04-02T11:14:00

2005-04-02T19:18:08Z

One of the funnest weeks of my entire life.

By the way, 12 beers and two shots is too much to drink, but makes for a perfect bonding experience.

And there is just something about Minnesota girls, I can't put my finger on it, but those of you in the know understand what I mean.

Moral of the story: spring break never fails to deliver.

no_conscience @ 2005-03-21T14:08:00

2005-03-21T22:08:54Z

You know what I hate? When people say they hate Bush because they are a liberal. How fucking dumb can you get...

By the way. Watch these two videos, both these guys most definitely know what's up...

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/torn.html
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/harmonica.html

no_conscience @ 2005-03-14T22:53:00

2005-03-15T06:55:43Z

Fuck yeah bitches.

no_conscience @ 2005-02-13T01:36:00

2005-02-13T09:36:19Z

An all around great end to an all around great weekend. Debate night tomorrow should make it 4 for 4.

But for now, I'm going to bed, I've never been this tired in my lifeaoiejfjafkdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

no_conscience @ 2005-01-24T19:30:00

2005-01-25T03:33:32Z

no_conscience @ 2004-12-31T16:13:00

2005-01-01T00:15:42Z

R.I.P. Danger Ranger

no_conscience @ 2004-12-08T21:14:00

2004-12-09T05:19:13Z

I can't wait until I get my braces off

Step 1: Open your winamp and put all your music on random
Step 2: Write down the first fifteen songs it plays

Jack Johnson - Flake
The Shins - Saint Simon
Metallica - The Unforgiven II
The Strokes - Someday
Bach - Air on the G-String
The Temptations - Lean on Me
AC DC - Back in Black
The Beatles - Strawberry Fields Forever
Opeth - Deliverance
Children of Bodom - Hate Me
Opeth - The Moor
Queen - Bohemian Rhapsody
Blind Guardian - Into the Storm
Group X - Rollerskate Date
A Tribe Called Quest - 8 Million Stories

no_conscience @ 2004-12-07T20:33:00

2004-12-08T04:42:22Z

Dude. Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude. The assembly Friday better be good, or I'm gonna look like a complete ass in front of the whole school.

Twice.

But seriously, for some reason it feels like I have a heavy load in my pants or something, because everyone at West Hills is going to be listening to me for like, an hour on Friday. Not only is our video 15 minutes long, but then I talk forever on the mic, and I have a feeling people are gonna either yell fag or throw stuff. I'm not really afraid of getting my feelings hurt because I tend not to give a fuck, but what I am afraid of is either-

a. cussing on the mic
b. pulling a Ron Artest
c. not being funny at all

And if C happens, then the likeliness of A and B happening increase drastically. I was watching the video today, and to me it is hilarious. But I don't know if that's because it's funny or if it's because I laugh at it because I remember doing it and how much fun it was. Seriously though, all week we have been acting like cops and going around school messing with people, causing mayhem, barging into the office loudly, yelling in the conference room, interupting random classes for no reason other than our personal amusement, and pretty much doing whatever the hell we want. They let us drive a cart for Christ sakes, I mean come on. But it's fun, and it's for a good cause right? Riiiiiiiiight...